A letter

I desperately want to keep loving you and be the person you want me to be. 

I want us to build a life together, to have dreams and aspirations about silly but lovely things. 

I want to feel that you want to share your life with me and that I am not a transient time waster.

I want to feel a level of importance, reflective of the time and effort that I put in to making us work. At the same time, I don't want any other partner you have to feel worthless, secondary or second best. I think it's appropriate for you to entertain their feelings and acknowledge their needs, because people are people and I understand that. But I value the care taking of my own needs above theirs, I probably want you to do that too. 

I don't want the power to veto other relationships you have but I want to feel like you listen to me, respect me and respect my opinion. 

I don't always feel that way. 

I don't want to feel insecure or worthless. I want to feel loved. I want to feel there is a future and we will spend it together, no matter who else comes or goes. 

When I get anxious I get defensive. I fluctuate between being your slave and self preservation. Please don't criticise me for this. It isn't on purpose. It's because I'm afraid. 

I don't know which part of our relationship polyamory falls into. I don't know which girl is meant to deal with it, because the problem is the sides feel rather differently. Slave says yes, girl says I'm not so sure. 

I feel like the two sides get played off each other, you do it to me and I do it to myself. 

I can't be faster, I can't be more efficient at processing my anxiety. I'm not sorry for that. I don't see why I have to be. I am good and I am trying and if you cannot see that then you probably don't know me very well, or at the very least are blinded by your own desires and will. 

Please treat me positively. Please do not select the parts of my anxiety that irritate you and make me feel like I'm not trying hard enough or doing well enough, and beat me over the head with them. Please ignore my failings and celebrate my achievements. 

Understand that they are anxieties and not my intention. Please realise how hard I am trying to shift from a lifetime of failed monogamy, cheating and insecurity. Please make me feel like I can achieve it, treat me like I can, respect my opinion and need to communicate, regardless to whether the communication has rational or value to you. It has immense value to me.  

I need to feel that I have space to talk or not talk, succeed and fail. I need to know that you will love me without conditions. I want to be the best person that I can be. Help me to make that happen.