A Letter To Sir

When I am with you and not pleasing you it makes me feel uncomfortable, when you seem irritated with me or are displeased it makes me feel anxious and physically sick. I am trying very hard to be everything you want me to be, half submissive pet, half regular girlfriend and partner in crime, a smidge of eight year old boy, digging up worms together in the garden.

This is very hard for me to balance. I find it difficult.

I find the things you say to me deeply affecting. I don't think you understand how much so, sometimes. Every phrase you say to me that relates to my character or behaviour I analysed critically, in order for me to attempt to find points to improve on. When I feel like you have said something just to disrupt me, or that you know I have difficulties/complexes over, it is painful in my head. Like that I am demanding attention, like that I am demanding sex. I have never demanded you do anything for me. I am not allowed to demand and I don't expect or want to. If you pick on a point I cannot improve upon, its irrational and it hurts. It makes me feel sick and scared that I’m not being what you want me to be.

We are friends. I think. But you're current indifference towards me is hurting me a lot. It is making me doubt my compliance. Which is uncomfortable for me. I am reacting by saying things that I don't really want to say, to you. Silly mean things, like that I don't care, but I do care, a dumb amount. I want you to be happy and I want to be making you happy.

You probably wont read this, but writing stops me crying and helps a bit. I have spent the day beating myself up. I am loath to my own company right now. I am alone and I am lonely and I feel like I have misbehaved.

I try not to annoy you, because I love you, but at the moment I feel like I cannot do anything right. I feel like I am being punished and I don't know what I have done wrong. I desperately want to know what is expected of me and how I should be. I want to feel like I am being good again. I want to feel loved, at the moment i feel tolerated and stupid and low.