Movement and Change

A few weeks ago I made the choice to move out of the flat I lived in with The Boy.

I have never known if my behaviour is caused by a lack of love. Surely not because I do love him and he means to me, but does he just mean that I don't get lonely? People say that your relationship is supposed to be filled with impassioned fits of undeniable submission to emotion, but people say a lot of things.

I have been bad for a long time now, but I don't want to settle down. I don't like to call it cheating, because we are both well aware of the rules of the game. I just feel it may be me who chooses to play more regularly, or chooses to play at all. Though this could be my ego talking, rather than my mouth.

It just didn't feel good to come home to him anymore and he means enough that I didn't want that to be the over riding emotion. I wanted to try to separate to see if we can make each other happy when the pressure of having to do so is taken away.

I'm not going to lie and say the thought process wasn't prompted by someone else, but it isn't about anyone else it's about me and my freedom and my choices. I just hope I've made the right choice.

Jamie I do love you and I'm sorry for who I am and how I am and what I insist upon. Know that you mean more to me than I would ever tell you, or ever want to admit to myself, out of a weak fear... or fear of looking weak.

Jake

We've fucked twice now and it's quite enjoyable though you don't mean enough for me to tell a story about you.

The Boy - Two Days of Good Sex

When we kiss it still makes me squirm. You slide your fingers all over my aching wetness, spreading me apart and turning me on. You slide yourself into, usually I'm on my knees for you, because thats how we like it best. Its perfectly synchronised and satisfying. I come hard every time. You make my kneel in front of you and run my fingers through the results.

The Older Man - Lunch

You're always a reliably satisfying lay and we always have a lovely time once the dust settles, pranking around and chatting over lunch.

I always leave you feeling warm and good about myself, because I know you like me and would like me even if I wasn't fucking you. There are not many men in my life that I can say that about.

The Boy - A letter

He writes me a letter full of the things some girl would want to hear.

I'm not sure.

Chest Pains

When you are often the one who seems to break hearts, to have your heart broken is the most dreadful and exquisite pain.

The feeling of loss has not ebbed away yet. It rests with an empty thud, like knocking at an old door. I desperately wish I could have you back, in all your wet fear and anger and with all your baggage. I want you to put your cases on the porch and say "Let me in".

They say time heals, I'm not sure who they are, and maybe they're just saying it to sell watches. It would be nice to see how long it'll be before the hand moves from two, back to one. Right now it's ticking and it hurts.

Melancholy is a brooding emotion. It sits on your hearts tuffet like a sour child, head to the floor, lip split in a pout. The release comes from crying, and sleeping, and for those particularly indulgent, crying yourself to sleep.

Now that you are gone, I miss you terribly. I miss being held by you, they way or lips touched and the way we felt together. But we are now the opposite of two...

Just a lonely me and a lonely you.

x